Nuanced answer: As most of you know, last year I presented an online interview series called Teaching What We Need To Learn, in which 46 leaders in personal and spiritual growth shared their own “growing edge.” During the series I went to great lengths to share my own ordinary humanity. I wanted it to be abundantly clear that no amount of spiritual transformation eliminates the need for ongoing personal growth.

But I didn’t talk very much about how, in my view, that kind of growth best occurs. I believe that we’re not meant to do that work alone; even, and perhaps especially, as teachers. So the first thing I’d like to share in this regard is that I work regularly with someone very skilled in doing the exact same work I do with my own clients.

The next thing to share is that we don’t do anything advanced or fancy. We employ the moment by moment work of Emotional Connection, relying on the very same principles and practices described in my book, The One Thing Holding You Back.

Here’s a super-fresh example. Recently my growth partner and I met by Skype. I described a very old feeling that had been resurfacing lately. It causes me to slump and curl inward. It makes me want to give up, and stirs a deep, old belief that I’m doomed to be separate, unseen, unloved, and also to be shamed and vilified for the very things that are best about me.

As soon as I described the feeling, I knew that the belief connected to it wasn’t true. But it was still necessary for me to allow the feeling my full, compassionate attention. So I relaxed into that attention and let the wave of emotion take me over in real time. I also let it further express itself in my posture. I noticed my lower lip begin to jut into a trembling pout. I not only surfed this pout, but in addition exaggerated it. Suddenly I felt like I was all pout, like a toddler in a quivery tantrum.

Once I was in toddler mode, an image arose of myself around that age. It wasn’t exactly a memory, but came more from a story that had been told to me many times, about how I, extra-verbal Raphael, stared at the world glumly for my first two years and didn’t say a single word.

It didn’t matter to me whether the image was from an actual experience because the felt sense of it was so real. As the feeling cascaded through me, and the image remained as well, I found myself saying, out loud, “I didn’t do anything wrong!” I repeated that phrase, over and over, louder and louder, and felt a corresponding surge of energy.

I said, “Stop hurting me!” and the energy grew. I felt bigger, more animated. Then I said, “Leave me alone!” and once again hunkered down. The energy that was so vividly present now amost instantly disappeared.

Through this process, and the reflection that followed, I saw very clearly how my pattern of retreat to safety from hurtful intimacy has continued, all these years, and contributed to a periodic deflating of my life force. I saw how important it was for me to redouble my intention to stay present, to keep showing up, especially when this pattern activates.

Key points:

1)The greatest gift of this process was that it came as direct experience. I used Emotional Connection to get into it, and to move through it. The insight about my energy states, and how they connect to hurt, intimacy and safety wasn’t merely conceptual. I knew more than ever the visceral truth of it, and I also knew exactly how to to work with that energy for the purpose of continued healing and expansion.

2)None of this was new. It was a well-worn point of my personal journey, revisted anew at a deeper rung of my life spiral. It would have been easy to throw up my hands and walk away, to cry out, “This?! Again?! I thought I was done with it years ago!” It would have been just as easy to see this recurrence as proof that I’m back where I started, no different or better off than when I first began to address my issues consciously.

What kept me from retreating in despair was my internal sense of the exact opposite feeling. I was engaged, excited, more fully alive than when I began the session. The body doesn’t lie, it’s true, but energy is an even more reliable truthteller. In the aftermath of the session my energy was equal parts grounded and vibrant. I was wide awake to new potential.

And, I was profoundly grateful. I still am. And I’ve offered this window into my own personal process in the hope that it may inspire you, too, to keep committed to your own personal work no matter how far you’ve come on your corresponding spiritual journey.

The emotional realm is the nexus between self and Spirit. Whatever is in the way, is the way. When you stay with what might feel old, forever-stuck, hopeless, when you revisit it with a trusted and skillful partner, miracles do happen. And the greatest miracle of all, perhaps, is the deep knowing that you’re right where you need to be…

Here. Now. Home.

Now, imagine that each of you have a couple of hours of individual focus, during which the whole group is there to help you deepen into the next step of your evolution, starting with the fullest possilbe acceptance of where you are, right now.

Between these sessions, there’s plenty of time away from “process” to cook and eat together, play, exercise, and just be. Always with an emphasis on whole-hearted (and often silly) joy.

Wouldn’t that be amazing? Wouldn’t it sing to your own soul?

Last weekend, I was invited to just such a gathering, to function as guest facilitator. I wasn’t a guest, exactly, because I know each of the participants well and we’ve worked together before. So it was a working reunion of sorts, and it truly inspired me.

I’m writing about it here because we don’t have many models in our world for such gatherings. If you’ve been following my work for awhile, you know I’ve been working to develop such models and make them available. In the meantime, I want everyone to know it’s possible, it happens, and it works.

“Yeah, but what if I don’t have those kind of people in my life?” you may be asking.

The good news is that these participants didn’t know each other either until they took part in some of the programs I offer. So if you show up where your particular Spirit is called, and put your interest out there, it’s very likely your own healing tribe will come together for you.

In case you’re interested in the details of what this quartet put together, I’ve listed their guidelines below. As you’ll see, they have an ongoing, well-structured way of communicating, of which the weekend was just one part. If you have any questions for the group, just let me know and I’ll pass them along.

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Guidelines, Values, and Commitments

We commit to creating a safe environment for practice. Our work with one another is confidential to this group.

We will treat one another with respect. We will listen to one another and ensure that everyone is heard.

We will do the work that we commit to and will look to our partners and the group for support. If we fail to show up, we are truant and not doing the work.

We will honor our commitments to our partners and the group and will renegotiate in a timely manner if change is necessary.

We will explore what comes up for us and agree to being honest and transparent with one another, including about being triggered.

We will talk through any problems that arise in our partnerships or in the group. Coming back is the practice and support is the process.

We may engage with non-partners, but primary work and processing is reserved for our partner in that month.

We may ask for advice and will refrain from giving it unless invited or given permission.

In seeking support, we can talk with others in the group about what is shared by others unless they expressly ask us not to.

If something comes up that needs to be discussed with a member of the group, we commit to talking with them directly and not about them with others. Issues between individuals can be brought to the group after at least one attempt to talk directly.

We will consult with Raphael if there is an impasse.

 Call Structure

Calls are twice monthly at 7pm on the first and third Thursday of each month.

Calls will be moderated. We will take turns in sharing that responsibility. If a moderator must be absent, they are responsible for arranging their replacement.

Moderators will open, run and close the call and are responsible for keeping time (others can help with this responsibility).

At the start of the call the moderator will ask if anyone needs to go first. If not, they will choose the order.

We commit to sharing fully and honestly on the call. We may postpone our turn if we are not ready when called on by the moderator, but we may not disappear.

Twice monthly calls are a priority and will go forward if at least three can participate. We will discuss what to do if two cannot make it.